Communication is a much-talked about subject in terms of the success and/or failure of a relationship. And, while couples that seek and use counseling often focus on how to better communicate, a related issue that draws far less attention is how to specifically handle and express anger while maintaining a healthy relationship.
The truth is that in the first 5 years of marriage, couples often stay together when they are dissatisfied but the tipping point for divorce is often excessive aggression and fighting. And for an unfortunate minority, this may turn into a domestic abuse scenario which is hard to leave.
Couples, especially newlyweds, are bound to fight or have disagreements when they first encounter unexpected circumstances in their new life together. The important part about these situations is understanding the proper avenues to work through them, knowing that they are going to happen and sometimes be difficult to navigate. Approaching anger in the right way can be the difference between resolving the problems at hand and causing more aggressive, counter-productive, and destructive behavior.
Arguments shouldn’t be seen as something which you or your spouse can win or lose, but rather an obstacle that a couple needs to work through together. This teamwork rather than an individual approach can help prevent you from becoming verbally abusive with the sole aim of getting your partner’s attention. Also, rather than viewing an issue merely from one side and justifying hurtful behavior, taking a wider spectrum and considering the whole picture may help determine its root cause.
Misguided stress and fear can manifest into anger that could be resolved through clearer communication about one’s current emotional state. Another crucial element is the elimination of accusation and blame, which can trigger defensive behavior. Rather, express how certain behavior makes you feel and why. Determine a way in which you can adjust and adapt in the future instead of experiencing the same problems over and over. Sometimes, the real issue is an outside factor such as work, or family problems that spill over into home life.
While it isn’t recommended to allow problems to linger over the long haul, every issue cannot be reconciled immediately. Rather than allowing an argument to escalate toward a toxic and harmful point, determine a protocol which allows you to cool off through separate activity, effectively pausing the problem before it boils over. Understand each other’s limits and when the right time to comfortably work through an issue is, i.e. not when you’re just waking up or extremely tired at the end of a long work day. Pick a time when you are both going to be emotionally present and cool-headed.
Developing this type of protocol and exploring concerns as a couple becomes constructive rather than combative, resolving issues instead of pointing fingers.
Couples are bound to have disagreements, often times caused by a broken line of communication. However, it’s important to maintain an open non-aggressive dialogue, teaming up against the problem rather than against each other. When communication breaks down, an unhappy partner may seek refuge in an outside source resulting in infidelity. If you feel a separation in your marriage, bridge the communication gap before it becomes too wide to reconnect.
